I feel lost

Hey, it's been a while. 

I have not been able to journal yet. So I decided to just pour my feelings out here... where no one really reads haha!

I would like to say that I am not perfect and am mostly rude when I am not in the mood. It's a fact that I cannot deny.

Last week, my grandfather (my dad's dad) died. He is old and sick. It was bound to happen, but of course, the family is still in shock. With this, I have tried to be okay mentally, preparing for how it would affect the family dynamics... because last May, my aunt just died as well, who is my mom's sister.

With this going on in the family, I am not mentally in the right state of mind. I lost it when a co-nctizen/internet acquaintance sent me a message two days after the incident regarding NCT Dream not adding Manila to their tour this year, which made me mad. I went ballistic in my response to her insensitivity to my situation. 

Why? I informed her the night before. I am not in the right headspace; therefore, anything that triggers me is not helpful at all. She has no empathy or sympathy. 


A lot is going on, and I am in that spiral again. 

I have this recurring splurge of spending money on material things to boost my dopamine. I know it's not the right thing to do, but I think it's the only way I could escape and cope with my feelings. 

I am trying to distract myself with what I have lost in the family, and that "bond" I have created about something that I truly enjoy. 

I want to somehow escape it. But, if I do... what will I do?

I need a new hobby or to revive my old ones... or maybe just binge-watch a show that could lift my spirits up. 

As I have mentioned, IN A SPIRAL. 

I hope after typing out this freaking weird feeling, it will be gone! I just want to get rid of it. I want to get over it. 

I don't know what to do, its so annoying. Every time there is a change in dynamics. I feel the need to reset and it goes really hard. So hard I barely recognize myself. 

I have also learned something, I cannot be friends with people who are older than me or people I just meet in any kpop related activities. 

I'm just not that kind of person at all. 

I think this would be an accruing state whenever something big is about to change in my life, and I have to cope with it as an adult. I pray that I can handle it better soon!

Its so annoying and hard to go on a spiral. I tend to spend too much money on trivial things. I don't regret spending it. But you know, I already have a lot of things and my room is a mess. 


Alright, that's it! I think I need to read a book or play games on my iPad to distract myself from exploding.