Impossible

It was the last day of retreat and we were on our way home when my friend Hans showed me the picture of his brother Sidney and me and he told me that one day I should tell my kids about whatever it is that we had. Then, I thought why should I? Maybe I would if and only if we did end up together which is IMPOSSIBLE.

Whenever I see photos of Sidney and his ex girlfriend Sam, it makes me sad and stupid. I am stupid for not being there for him and letting this feelings get in between our friendship. He was one of the best friend ever and I don't regret every single thing in that friendship I just wish that I could go back to those moments and tell myself to never entertain my feelings for him then maybe things would be different and everything would not be awkward and all is well. 

He is a mark of my past that I can't erase nor change. He is the living reminder of my stupidity and childish acts. I must not let it happen again. I don't like the pain and yes I did love him and maybe I still do its just that I'm not entertaining it anymore or its just a feeling that I got used to and I'm just telling myself that I still love him even though I really don't. It was a memory that he might have forgotten, but I haven't. 

We still have those stares and glancing moments maybe wishing that we could go back in time and be friends, he was trying to act normal during those 3 days and there is nothing I could do right. I should not think something out of it. Whoever he loves right now or in the near future is a lucky girl and I hope she would take care of him and love him the way he loves her. 

Regrets and pain is marked and there is nothing I could do about it. Maybe, in his part its nothing but to me its all true and everything is real, or maybe it was all in my head and I was hallucinating things. But, I will treasure those moments and reminisce them ALWAYS AND FOREVER