I'm in Awe.

I think I may have problems in life and love is not one of them. To be honest I have a lot of hate issues against others and I don't know why I keep on having one even if I should not. I have tons of experiences and has trust issues and I think I am afraid to be who I really am. I don't like being that same girl way back in high school where everyone thinks I am dumb or stupid or just plain mean. I wan to be someone else. I want to be in the shadows. I want to be a mystery someone who has a lot of things inside her and doesn't tell a soul about her past or something. 

I have always thought of things like having this visions of the "what if"s of my life. What if me and Sidney had a relationship. Or, what if I was not bullied way back freshmen year? I don't know so many questions are just left unanswered. But, I know that God has His reasons on why such things happen. I understand that Sidney is not the "guy" for me. I don't know I can't tell. My aunt is in a relationship with her high school lover. And, I kind of hope it would be the same for me. But, that would just be something that someone would have written down for a book or someone's imagination. 

Surprise, says destiny. You would just be in shock when you realize that you are just wherever you are at that exact moment. You would have wished for something better or maybe something worst. I don't know. Destiny can either surprise you or scare you. And the result would only depend on how you react upon that situation. I think thinking positive would be the best thing that you could do for such things. I hope that one day I could just be happy. In a place where I can actually find sanctuary and be like "THIS IS THE FUCKING LIFE. THANK GOD" feeling you know? I just want that even for a day. 

I guess the odds are never in my favor. 

have a great weekend