I feel alone... because I am... alone.

Hi,

It is me... again. So, today well... yesterday. My friend celebrated her birthday and I actually was hesistant in attending... Why?

1. Its on a Wednesday night. I have work the next day.
2. I know its going to end late.
3. They are talking about Puerto (I was not able to come because I was at work)

I have never felt so distant and yet so close to a bunch of people I have known for 4 years.  I feel alone, and its scary. I have been so quiet in the office. Quiet when I'm with my friends because I don't think they care at all. Would they care about me? Would they be able to relate and also be understandable of the situation? I don't know. I have had this constant thought in my mind. I have never been so afraid as I am right now. I don't know if I am in the stage of my life where I have somehow found complete happiness, because obviously I have not. I am alone, and scared. I have all these negative thoughts and anxiety because I am afraid of opening up and sharing my thoughts  In my head, nobody cares.

I am that uninteresting girl and nobody cares. I am that girl who looks funny so everyone laughs at me. I am that quiet girl who has a resting bitch face so people assume I am rude.

I am so many things in other people's eyes. But did they really try to be my friend? Someone who would listen to me and tell me 'Hey, you'll be fine. In fact, you did well today." I am afraid of failure. I am afraid of disappointing people around me. And, through that process... I have somehow lost myself.